Real resolutions for 2011

I’m a bit confused by this concept of New Year’s resolutions. First, why on earth (weird cliche) do we need to make resolutions on the turn of the year? What’s wrong with Birthdays? Independence Day(s)? Second, why do they always have to be ‘self-improvement and mildly nauseous’ type resolutions?

I’m going to be only a partial rebel. I’m going to go along with the crowd and make New Year’s resolutions. I’ll make the usual painful ones, but I am going to break with the self-flagellation and make some fun resolutions:

1. Get fatter: I love food. I love spicy food. I love seafood. I love eating a lot. Eating a lot of spicy seafood is 9th heaven. I vow to eat more, be happier more and enjoy guilt-free big eating more.

2. Play more video games: Video games are awesome, barring the awfully cliched names. They speed reflexes, they speed up thought processes, release endorphins, hit all the right psychological addiction-related neurons. The violence satisfies humanity’s inherent bloodlust of humanity. It eases the competitive urge, and unlike real life, there are do-overs. I’m going to spend more time inanely winning at video games.

3. Have more of a love life: Humanity bores me. Life moves in slow-motion. But there are special people out there. People who can keep up. People who can walk the spiral. I’m going to try and find them.

4. Be more of a loner: Humanity bores me. Life moves in slow motion. Most humans are intellectually flat and interaction with them is dull at best, distasteful and nauseating at worst. I’m going to avoid the idiot hordes and their social niceties a lot more.

5. Run more: Activation of pure exhilaration at a pure primal level. Caveman beating chest kind of primal. Note to self: Get more speed rush.

Footnote: Normal resolutions – buy a camera. Blog every day.

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